This is by far the most important step to skip, but most of us end up completing this step! Most of the people coming into AA know of the 12 steps and that is it. Little do they know that by the end of the meeting 30+, 13th steppers will come up to them and flirt!
I have completed the 13th step more than once, twice and three times. The 13th step is when a senior AA member one who usually has more than a year of sobriety, sleeps with a newcomer.
The ones who are devoted to the program say that you shouldn’t get into a relationship early on in sobriety. Usually they recommend starting a relationship after you completed the 12 steps or have a year of sobriety.
In my first two years in AA I was not serious about recovery at all and would self-sabotage it by doing anything, or anyone. I purposely regularly attended an AA meeting in Philadelphia in the heart of the Gayborhood.
The meeting was filled with queens not so much kings. Every gay man in there was flamboyant and over the top. Once I walked into the meeting I knew that this was the spot where I would go home with someone every night.
The first night I was in the meeting I got talking to the guy next to me, one thing led to the next and I ended up in his townhouse in the middle of Philadelphia’s most prestige neighborhood. This was my first time going through the 13th step. This man had about 2 years of sobriety and I came to the meeting after having a few drinks at the local bar.
These one night stands in the meeting went on for about two years on and off. It got so bad at one point that I picked my sponsor Brian only because I thought he was the hottest guy I had ever seen in my life. We met up at his apartment one night to start the steps. Let me just lay out the scene. He has a studio apartment where the only piece of furniture is a bed and a night stand. You might see where this is heading!
Yes! We bypassed all 12 steps and just got to the 13th step. Talk about awkward afterwards. Brian turned to me and said “well that isn’t supposed to happen”! Even though it was great I felt so bad afterwards and stopped taking his phone calls.
Later that week after sucking it up and going back to the meeting, I find out that he relapsed on crystal meth and was arrested for breaking and entering. I felt as if I caused his relapse because of what I did, and that he felt as terrible as I had.
After many of the guys in that meeting found out that I was sleeping around and had asked me to never come back to the meeting. Apparently two of the guys I had slept with in the meeting had been dating and they both found out that they cheated. Not only did they cheat, they cheated on each other with the sane guy, ME!
It is pretty bad to be kicked out of an AA meeting. I was the first person I had ever heard of that had been kicked out of an AA fellowship. I didn’t even know that, that was possible.
When I sat alone for a few hours and really started to think of the damage I had done, I knew I had to change something. I was either going to keep on drinking and being a slut or stop drinking and look at all the wreckage I have caused.
Today I still struggle with my sexual acting out but there are a few differences. For one I do not sleep with anyone that attends the same AA meetings as I do. Another is I try not to flirt or sleep with anyone in sobriety that has more time or less time than me.
Once I hit my one year I will try to reconsider my feelings about people in sobriety. When my year comes that is when I will hopefully be healthy enough to make the right decisions.
The 13th step is a very dangerous step to get too. I do not regret my decisions with completing the 13th step more than once. My bad decisions have lead me to start realizing them and making better decisions.
If I had to give one suggestion to a newcomer it would be to focus on YOU, and do not drag someone else down with you. You will make poor decisions it is inevitable, as long as you are willing to learn from your mistakes that mistake turns into a learning experience.