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Nitrogen, Nitrogen-DimethyltryPtamine

by | Jun 5, 2012 | Addiction, Alcohol and Drugs, Substance Abuse

Home Addiction Nitrogen, Nitrogen-DimethyltryPtamine

My last comprehensible moment is when I exhale my second hit from the pipe. I can vaguely remember a friend grabbing the pipe from my hands before I finish blowing my rip out. My vision flutters, and I am incredibly scared. I’ve never been so scared of anything before in my life! What exactly am I afraid of? I figure it out-I am dying. Most certainly what I am experiencing is my demise. At this point I have no recollection of smoking anything at all. I couldn’t have told you what smoke was. I was an old man ascending into the afterlife. It felt like I just experienced my entire life, birth to death, all in one moment. The best comparison I can make would be Billy Pilgrim from Slaughterhouse-Five: completely unstuck in time. After this, things get really difficult to describe: more so even to recollect for that matter. All of a sudden, without means of expedition, I appear on some sort of astral plane: enlightenment with an element of disquietude. I am not me. I have no body. I simply exist, somewhere, somehow, but am completely unaware of the nature of existence. Everything makes perfect sense, but is so horribly incomprehensible at the same exact time. I learn of the many mysteries of life. It all makes sense. I cannot reiterate that enough. I am trusted with all of life’s secrets. I gaze deeply at a floating structure. I recall feeling as if I was in the womb. I am staring at my creator- its soul.
You know the Lionsgate advertisement that appears at the beginning of movies? The logo opens up like a door, and all of the inner-workings are exposed. Inside lies a labyrinth of gears which turn other gears and those gears power levers and pistons that propel other gears into motion. Imagine an enormous monument whose inner and outer workings are completely comprised of this gear, piston, and lever anomaly. From a distance, (I have no earthly idea how many feet or thousands of miles I am from this floating structure) it appears the gears are there to power the incredibly warm glow emanating from this giant blob. It is trying to lure me in. Right when it is about to speak to me, and accept me, everything goes fuzzy and I leave this place. Next thing I know, I am back in my body and the place I am used to. It definitely isn’t the same though. I cannot speak. I am completely awestruck. Everything is so different. I am back, but I don’t feel present. I am striving so hard to capture everything that has just happened. It’s comparable to waking up from a really intense dream and immediately forgetting the bulk of the dream. After what feels like an eternity of silent contemplation, I am able to blurt out my first words: “HOLY FUCK!” I asked how long that lasted; expecting to be told it had been days. I am informed it had been 15 minutes. “Impossible”, I ponder. I am seriously discontented by the hindered memory recollection of the experience. If I could, I would have taken a video recorder with me. The above is a fraction’s worth of the trip I so wish to fully encapsulate. Most certainly my gnarliest psychedelic trip ever!
If I could have taken back with me the secrets and meanings of life I learned of in that moment, I firmly believe I would be much more spiritually and mentally sick than I already am. I think everything I experienced was a mere illusion. I do know for certain what to believe to be true. The mind is a very powerful, deceptive organ. It is the medium through which cognition, spirituality, reasoning, creativity, and all other intellectual functions are controlled/birthed.  Science has proven the human brain naturally secretes this drug during dreaming, near-death experiences, and the moment before one perishes.
In my past experiences with drugs, I found myself trying to achieve metaphysical and spiritual growth by way of getting loaded. I felt as if taking drugs opened the door into the unknown. Point in case regarding the power and deception of the mind: in all reality I was closing the door evermore. Irony boldly presents itself in that I am, currently in sobriety, achieving a much higher level of the understanding of life, and spirituality. 6 months ago, if you were to have asked me if I knew I could attain more spiritual knowledge in being sober than on drugs, I would have said you were out of your mind. Life works in a really funny way.
-Oh, by the way, the above describes my first experience smoking N, N-DMT.
By Andrew T.