The first time i spoke a a meeting was at the Sober College house meeting...The girls house and the guys house got together and at the last minute they asked me to lead...OMG! I was so scared. It was hard because i knew everyone in that room...I didn't want to say no because i was taught to never deny a request. So my story was pretty much a drug a log. To be fair to myself, i was still in treatment, about 2 months clean and was still learning about recovery and the 12 steps... I had nothing they wanted..We were all on the same boat. My disease thrashed me that night and kept telling me that everyone was judging me and that i did a horrible job. Even at that point i didn't understand that it was my disease trying to bring me down. The second time i spoke was in a similar setting, it was still at Sober College, but it was for parents weekend. In a way it was worse because i had to speak in front of parents and their kids. I felt that i had to edit out a lot of things, and had to cut out the cuss words. That night i was incredibly nervous(again! butterflies in the stomach and all)..i went into an empty office, got on my knees and asked my higher power to speak through me, The nervousness took a few minutes to subside but it did, and i felt so refreshed when i was done..i went into the relationship with my parents and how my using affected them. i didn't go into the horror stories because i figured they've all lived it first hand with their kids. I got emotional and a lot of other people did too..it was pretty awesome.

Everytime i speak i try to do the same thing where i get on my knees and pray for my higher power to speak through me. The last time i spoke at a meeting in hollywood, i was the most comfortable i had ever been....i also noticed that it's easier when it comes down to the recovery aspect of your story..i hate talking about what got me here and what it was like...it pretty much sucked and i hate talking about it.. How do you guys deal with speaking. I mean don't get me wrong i get absolutely heart wrenchingly nervous every single time... oh yeah, and i also noticed that i get more and more honest..things that i wasn't comfortable sharing about at first are coming out...it's a little relieving..