You are describing a very normal stage in early recovery with regard to family and trust building. Restoring trust is a very difficult part of the process of recovery. Most family members feel betrayed and violated by the practicing addict or alcoholic. Building trust requires continuous effort and comes very slowly. Trust is one of those things than can be broken in an instant but takes a lot of time to rebuild gradually.

One of the greatest gifts that a recovering person can give their family and loved ones is the time to heal. There is nothing you can say that will enable them to trust you sooner. Your sober behavior over time is the most reassuring thing. Try to remember they are going through their own process and make sure you receive validation from your friends in recovery. Your parents may need more time and healing before they can give that to you. In the meantime, allowing them their space and demonstrating that you understand their feelings is a living amends that you can begin to make and creates the environment for trust to be restored.

Colleen Kelly, MFT
www.colleenkellymft.com

This must be very hard for you. A chronic state of distrust or second-guessing others in relationships is a painful state to live in. Trust is a primal feeling that one is safe from pain or threat. You know you are trusting when you feel serene and that your needs are met and will continue to be.

You describe a pattern of not being able to trust in all of your relationships over a long period of time. This pattern makes me wonder if this excessive distrust of people is rooted in early childhood. Something like an illness or life circumstance change may have disrupting early bonding or the ability for a caregiver to adequately meet your needs. Exploring with a therapist if the trust issue is related to early childhood, codependency, addiction or cognitive distortions could be a wonderful place to begin healing.

The ability to trust others and to feel trusted by others are important parts of meaningful relationships. Distrust inhibits your ability for true intimacy. You deserve life with fulfilling healthy relationships. In order move forward I would suggest you begin to explore and resolve whatever happened that originally felt like a betrayal or hampered your ability to feel safe in relationship. Working through your feelings with a therapist,
spiritual counselor or sponsor will help you heal and begin to build trust.

Colleen Kelly, MFT
www.colleenkellymft.com

A great reference point about how much to share with someone is to begin with the second part of step 9 that says “except when to do so would injure them or others.” Examining with your sponsor if your need to share is coming from a grounded place of recovery or from fear and dependency, if it will needlessly hurt the other party for self serving motives, the timing and reason for sharing, are all important. But it sounds more from your email like you are specifically concerned with setting good workplace boundaries.

The definition of a boundary is the ability to know where you end and where another person begins. Boundaries cannot be physically seen but they are established by creating personal space, setting limits, determining acceptable behavior, and creating a sense of autonomy. Your job description is a good place to start to see how your workplace responsibilities and relationships are clearly described. When you begin to outline your professional boundaries, try to answer the following questions:

• To whom do you report directly?
• Who gives you your assignments and projects?
• Who gives you feedback?
• Who sets your work priorities?
• Who does your review?
• Are you able to work with your colleagues without positive or negative feelings influence your actions?

• What tone do you use with coworkers and how is your attitude at work?
• How able are you to work on projects with people you don’t like or with whom you are having conflict?
• How do you set limits with others who have weaker boundaries?

In an ideal situation you can openly discuss workplace boundaries with your boss and coworkers by discussing job tasks, goals, and priorities. Some ways to accomplish this from the start are by being accurate about your abilities and what you can realistically do in a give time frame. This gives you credibility. You don’t need to oversell or undersell your abilities. Ask for help and information when needed, engage in problem solving and avoid gossip or negative talk about the company or other coworkers. Remain open to discussing differences of opinion and work toward reaching agreements. Attempt to negotiate when needed so that all parties win. Reflecting back what you believe the other person said to clarify your understanding as to what their needs and concerns are is a key to better communication.

Professional and interpersonal boundaries both impact the workplace environment. You will get to practice the principles of the program “in all of our affairs” at work!

Sincerely,

Colleen Kelly,MFT
www.colleenkellymft.com

Dear Bryce, It sounds like you need quite a bit more information before calling an interventionist or an employee’s family. Coming late to work irritated can be due to anything from relationship or family problems, a physical illness, financial concerns, stress, sleep problems, car trouble, a sick child, job dissatisfaction to alarm clock issues. I suggest first scheduling a meeting with him and point out his tardiness. It may clear up right away. As a manager you have a right to confront an employee who is not fulfilling their job duties.

Have there been other signs that concern you such as job performance down, illness, odd behavior, missed days at work, physical signs, drug abuse history? It seems you need more information now about what is taking place in your employee’s life before assuming it is drug use and taking the next step.

If you feel you need more support and information for this and similar situations like it, I suggest you contact your company’s EAP program or HR department to find out what your specific company policies are.

Sincerely,

Colleen Kelly, MFT

Approaching a good friend about drug usage is not easy. They may become angry or defensive however your concern may also be helpful in them making the decision to stop. Either way it is important that you get to say how their use is affecting you and your relationship. To not do so could be to enable the situation further.

There are some ways that it may be possible to create less need for defense and lay the foundation for open communication. I suggest you tell your friend there is something you would like to talk to them about. Choose a good quite time when you can talk privately and uninterrupted. Do not attempt to talk about this with your friend when he is under the influence.

Plan ahead what you would like to communicate to your friend. Remember to use “I” statements telling him how the marijuana use has effect you and your relationship with your friend. What concerns do you have? What have you witnessed it costing him or her? Provide details of what you have seen happening to your friend. Remain calm and non-confrontational. There is no need to argue or prove since you are sharing your experience and thoughts. Ask your friend what their experience is with this issue and if they share your concern.

Your friend may not readily like what you are saying but that does not mean you need to make excuses for the behavior or back down from your concern. Instead you can ask your friend if there is anything that you can do for them. If they seem open to suggestion or getting help, be sure to do a little research before hand regarding resources in your area. You can refer them to a local MA (Marijuana Anonymous) meeting, drug counselor, guidance counselor if you are in school or other professional.

Be prepared for some defense and denial with your friend but don’t be discouraged if you feel it didn’t go well. This may be one of the first seeds planted and you don’t know if your friend will take your words to heart at a later date. In the meantime you may want to plan social activities with your friend that do not include drugs or alcohol.

Sincerely,


Collen M. Kelly, MFT
www.collenkellymft.com

Dear Bill,

I hear that you have a very good grasp of the 1st step in admitting that you have a problem. You are correct, that is a big step toward living truthfully and with integrity. You may have heard the phrase “cunning, baffling and powerful,” in your fellowship. The longer alcoholics and addicts remain in recovery they begin to discover many different ways that we can remain in denial. This may be directed at the addiction or individuals may use denial as a defense against difficult feelings and situations that may seem beyond their ability to cope with at the time. Denial is a protective mechanism. It keeps at bay painful and uncomfortable feelings.

There are many forms of denial. Listed below are common defenses, or forms of denial. None of them should feel completely foreign since most people have tried them out at some point in their lives. A few of them may feel like old time favorites. These include:

1. Straight denial or better put, out right lying – This form of denial involves simply denying being an addict or an alcoholic. Or denying a problem exists. Example: “I do not have a drinking problem.”

2. Minimizing – This form of denial reframes the problem in a less severe way, in a softer light. Example: “Yes I do drink, but not that much.” Or “My kids really didn’t notice when I was in jail.”


3. Rationalizing – Involves explaining or making excuses about using. Example: “I can’t sleep, so I have to take tranquilizers.” Or “I need a few to take the edge off.”

4. Blaming – The responsibility in this form of denial lies outside of the alcoholic/addict. Example: “Who wouldn’t drink married to you?”


5. Bargaining – This form of denial is about cutting a deal by distracting and confusing the issue. Example: “I’ll quit drinking if you quit smoking.” Or “I’ll discuss this if you treat me nicer.”

6. Intellectualizing or Generalizing – This ploy strives to keep the issue vague and in general terms. It usually involves long explanations and theories about hypothetical people not involved in the discussion. Example: “My family are alcoholics and I have the wrong genes.” Or “The interesting thing about this situation is, after considering it from all angles, people who have addictive personalities tend to sometimes . . . and so on and so on and so on. . . “

7. Diversion – This is akin to throwing a curve ball. Deflecting the issue and completely changing the subject accomplish this tactic. Example: “Yes, I got drunk last night, but when are you going to get a job?” or “Yes, I have a problem but it’s my boyfriend not my drug use.”

8. Passivity – This defense separates the sought after quality of surrender from the debilitating one of resignation. Denial can also be quietly and passively ignoring the problem or taking a victim stance. Example: “I’ve tried to quit, but it’s stronger than me.”

9. Hostility – Scaring or threatening people away from feeling they can approach the addict with issues or concerns. This is done through yelling and using anger as a wall.


All of these denial and defense mechanisms are essentially ways an addict or alcoholic lies to themselves and to other people. Sometimes this is done consciously out of fear and sometimes it is done unconsciously out of habit. Either way the denial prevents personal growth and connection on an authentic level.

Your sponsor will help you navigate through these defenses to gain clarity and be free from their grasp. It is difficult work and when we challenge deeply held defenses and patterns the ego thinks it is dying and will rally to defend itself. That is why you may have heard the phrase “ego-deflating.” Go gently and be kind to yourself. You don’t need to uncover every rock right away. More will be revealed and remember to give yourself credit for how far you have come so far.

Sincerely,

Colleen Kelly, MFT
http://www.colleenkellymft.com

Dear Paul,

Congratulations on your four months. That is no easy task. Alcoholism can be quite harmful to the body so if you have not already, please be sure to have a full medical exam.

What you are experiencing is unpleasant but quite normal in early sobriety. When consuming alcohol stops, recovery is just the beginning. A variety of symptoms emerge with abstinence that is a normal part of the disease. The detox and withdrawal you may have experienced the first couple of weeks of sobriety are referred to as acute abstinence syndrome.

The damage that alcohol causes the brain and central nervous system manifests itself in post acute withdrawal symptoms. These symptoms typically begin anywhere from 2 weeks to 4 months after acute withdrawal. Sometimes the peak at six months and to varying degrees they can come and go for one to two years. Depending on the amount you drank, frequency and for how long the severity will range. Many recovering persons report the symptoms disappearing by the end of the first year.

It is important to educate yourself as to what the symptoms are so that you don’t take them to mean you are doing something wrong in your sobriety or that you will feel this way the rest of your life. The symptoms of post-acute withdrawals PAWS include:

• Thought impairments, feeling foggy or having difficulty concentrating
• Short-term memory impairments
• General feeling of restlessness and irritability
• Sensitivity to stress, overacting to stress, feeling hypersensitive
• Emotional impairments, feeling numb or overly emotional
• Difficulty eating, overeating or loss of appetite
• Difficulty sleeping, oversleeping or insomnia
• Physical Coordination problems

At this stage of sobriety your thoughts may become confused and scattered and if you find yourself unable to focus you may respond by overreacting emotionally which may make you feel crazy and wonder what is the point of sobriety. It is important to realize these symptoms are normal and they do pass. It was once believed that neurological damage was irreversible. It is now known that in spite of the fact that there may have been real nervous system damage, much of the impairment caused by the damage is reversible.

Understanding the symptoms and effects of PAWS can offer you hope for recovery. There is a direct relation between stress and the severity of PAWS. Each tends to intensify the other. Stress management skills such as meditation and relaxation can be very helpful. A daily structured program such as a treatment program or 12-step support group can challenge your thought patterns, emotional habits and behaviors that are impairing your ability to function or feel good. Now is an important time to refrain from isolating and commit to getting adequate rest and proper nutrition. These factors significantly impact mood.

As the neurological damage begins to heal itself with prolonged abstinence and as you learn new coping skills, a productive and meaningful existence is possible in spite of the PAWS symptoms.

Sincerely,

Colleen M. Kelly, MA MFT

Dear Concerned,

There are many possible signs that may point to drug or alcohol use in your teen. A few of them are:

• Insomnia or oversleeping
• Not eating or over eating
• Weight loss
• Change in school performance
• Change in friends
• Loss of interest in activities she used to enjoy
• Poor hygiene
• Anxiety or mood swings
• Lack of energy
• Anger and hostile outbursts
• Lying and withdrawing from family
• Stealing
• Physical symptoms: bloodshot eyes, skin sores or track marks, slurred speech, frequent nose bleeds, chronic cough, dry mouth, unsteady gait
• Use of products to mask the above symptom such as eye drops, mouthwash, heavy make-up, incense or air fresheners.
• Presence of drug paraphernalia, drugs, or alcohol in room or presence of strange items like vanilla extract, cold medicines, cough medicine, spray cans etc found.
• Smell of drugs on breath or clothing

Some of these signs can also point to depression, physical illness, and reactions to family stress or school pressure. There are many possible explanations for most of the signs except the last four, which are more obvious.

If you do believe your child may be experimenting with drugs or alcohol it is important not to ignore it. Some common mistakes made by parents that you may want to avoid are:

• Do not overact. Experimentation does not equal addiction. I understand your desire to confront her as you wrote. You are probably experiencing anger, fear, and guilt among other feelings. But try to maintain a calm approach.

• Do not become suddenly strict. Many parents fear use or experimentation is happening because they have been too relaxed so they suddenly become punishing and controlling in an effort to stop the use. This is likely to have the opposite effect and encourage rebellion and secrecy.

• Don’t enable her and protect her from any natural consequences that occur if she is using. Don’t lie or cover with her job or school or other family members.

• Don’t lecture or condemn her. Teens know to endure a lecture and resume behavior after or simply rebel against it.

• Don’t deny the problem and hope it will go away. It may be a passing phase or it may be dangerous.

If any of the above symptoms lead you to suspect drug or alcohol use it is vital that you speak to her about it. You can lovingly confront her by beginning the discussion pointing out what you have observed and what your worries are. First establish a meaningful connection with her and remain calm. If you have a close relationship with your child she may feel relieved that you are asking and be willing to talk to you honestly. If your relationship is difficult with your daughter she may become upset and accuse you of snooping or abruptly leave the room. If this happens do not give up. Bring up the topic at another time. You can validate her feelings by asking her if she thinks that you are angry, or that you will punish her, or that you don’t respect her? Also share your feelings with her that this is not your intention and you are concerned about her and want to help. Explain how her recent behavior is affecting you in concrete ways.

If you suspect that she has used a more dangerous drug then you will need to take more immediate action. Seek the guidance of her doctor, a substance abuse counselor, psychologist or therapist. Research different treatment approaches and centers and become informed about interventions. With information and support you will have a better idea of how to proceed.

Sincerely,

Colleen M. Kelly, MA MFT

Dear Estelle,

When the addict or the alcoholic enters treatment they are surrounded by therapists, technicians, doctors, their fellow residents and the 12 step fellowship in a safe container. Frequently the family members and loved ones are left on the outside alone much like standing on a battlefield after a war watching the dust settle, not knowing which way to turn. Wishing for a break and for the fighting to be over is quite normal. And to a certain extent it may be, but the work of recovery has just about to begin.

The first response of many loved ones is relief that the addict is finally safe in treatment. This feeling of wellbeing tends to diminish when we realize that they will get out again in 30 days and then what? This is an important time to begin to learn all you can about addiction and codependency. For some families all that is needed is education and some adjustments, for other families the entire way they interact needs to be examined and restructured.

It is tempting to believe the problem is over as you wrote. But we know that recovery is a process not an event. The moments of peace, security and safety that you wish for need to be created daily by you, not left in the hands of the addict’s behavior sober or not. The hope is that your son will grab that brass ring as they say and embrace recovery full force upon leaving. And he may do that or he may not. Either way you deserved the full nights sleep or relief that you mentioned in your letter. This can be created for you with some of the experience, strength and hope of those that have walked this path before. Al-Anon, family groups, and therapy are a great place to begin.

The reason they are recommending family therapy is because in the past few decades addiction and alcoholism have been classified as a family disease. This means that no one caused it and no one can cure it but we all play a role in the carrying the symptoms of the disease. One way to look at the family disease is from a system approach. The family is a system just like the human body is a system. If you were to break your ankle your body would adjust around it as you tried not to exert pressure on the injury. Left untreated after awhile the entire body would be out of alignment and centered around this injured ankle. When addiction is present in a family, the members make subtle and not so subtle adjustments around the addict. After awhile we don’t realize how out of alignment and sick we have all become. It starts to feel normal and second nature as a way to survive.

There is nothing wrong with feeling joy and relief when a loved one enters treatment. But I would suggest not using those pleasant feelings as an excuse to ignore the extent of the effect the addict had on you. You could let them catapult you into your own recovery process. These first 30 days are a wonderful opportunity to enter your own recovery and build a solid foundation for yourself no matter what may come. The paradox is that when family members try to control the addict, rescue or help them, the behavior tends to support the addiction and is counterproductive. Taking contrary action now and focusing on yourself and your healing has a trickle down effect and assists the recovery of the addict in ways you never expected. It’s hard to believe at first that focusing on you and your recovery will help the entire situation but it’s worth taking the leap of faith to try it out.

Sincerely,

Colleen Kelly, MA MFT
http://www.colleenkellymft.com/

Dear Susan,

This is a very insightful question to ask early in recovery. It is natural that you would be full of questions at this point and unsure how to reconnect and begin to relate to your spouse. After relating to an addicted person for some time you may have begun to distrust your own instincts and motivations. It may have felt like the addiction was running you, not just running your husband. And this is correct; it is a family disease in which all members are affected.

We know that drugs and alcohol are the antidote to intimacy. They make relating with honesty and being genuine nearly impossible. Recovery is a new start, a fresh chance to regain what we once had or to develop a new healthy way of living. And you and your husband are both in recovery now. When family members learn about the disease of addiction and enter their own recovery process, we call that “parallel recovery.” We come into this process locked into old ways of relating and operating off of an old blueprint. But when the family enters its own recovery process there is a chance to interrupt the destructive patterns in relating that we fall into during active addiction and to learn new ways of coping and relating.

Some questions that you can ask yourself when you are struggling with a boundary, behavior or decision of your own that you are unsure of are:

1. Does this decision feel historical? Is this what I have traditionally done during the active stages of the disease to exert control or feel safe?

2. Does this decision support the addiction or does it support recovery?

3, Is it coming from a grounded place in recovery or a scared and needy place based on my own dependency needs?

4. With who have I discussed this decision? Have I considered input from individuals I trust like a sponsor, therapist, spiritual counselor, or understanding friend?

5. Is this something I would share with others or do I need to keep it a secret?

6. Is it coming from a place of surrender where I realize that I cannot control another person or is it coming from a place of resignation where I am simply giving up or giving in?

7. Is it based on denial, rationalizing, minimizing – did I have to talk myself into it fearing change?

8. Is it attached to an outcome I feel I must make happen? Do I have motives that deep down I feel I know what is best? I am being manipulative?

9. What is my gut telling me?

Recovery will tend to push out denial and you will begin to lean into trust once again. I am speaking of trust in yourself not your husband. That is another issue. Your healing and your recovery first begins with you. The questions above require a certain degree of honesty and bravery. And you deserve all the support in the world that you can get while you tackle them. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. I urge you to make sure you have your own support. Al-Anon and other 12 step groups can be a wonderful way to get more information on the disease of addiction and connect with other individuals who have been exactly where you are now and can offer ideas, suggestions and support.

Sincerely,

Colleen M. Kelly, MA MFT
http://www.colleenkellymft.com/