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Why I Chose the Substances I Used

 

The first mind-altering drug I used when I was fourteen years-old was what most youngsters experiment with first: marijuana.  I got hooked on it immediately, after smoking just a few times with a couple of bad influences, and continued using it for another decade until I got sober just six months ago.  Marijuana to me was something that all my friends and I used to socialize, but I took it to another level.

I smoked alone most of the time in my room or in the basement, subsequently just sitting on the couch watching my favorite TV shows and munching out on any food I could find in the refrigerator.  Weed did for me what I needed it most, giving me the feeling of relaxation and calmness I craved and otherwise lacked due to my struggle with Attention Deficit Disorder ADHD.  I just loved that feeling of nothingness going through my head.  No racing thoughts, no worries – just total peace of mind.

Pot really never got me into trouble, either, like my other addictions did, and I will get to that one soon.  My parents knew I smoked and I only got reprimanded by them when they caught me smoking or found weed in my room.  I never got into trouble with the cops; nothing really bad happened from my weed addiction, that’s why I enjoyed it.  It was a safe drug.

Now, onto my second and more destructive addiction: alcohol.  Up until college, alcohol was—like marijuana—used as a way for my friends and me to bond.  It was a way to connect, getting drunk together, having a good time, and letting loose.  We would have parties, drink a little, smoke some pot, and then go home for the night.  When I got into college, all of that changed.

After just a few months I was drinking to get wasted.  I began drinking to the point of getting drunk—I mean, really drunk—and doing so made me feel free.  It made me feel whole, like nothing else I had ever done.  I soon started blacking out and not remembering things that happened the night before, but it didn’t matter.  I would still drink to oblivion that same night, not caring about the havoc I was going to wreak on my friends and college dorm neighbors.

Soon I couldn’t fall asleep for more than a couple of hours if I did not fully intoxicate myself.  Alcohol had become a sleep aid.  I needed it to get a somewhat decent night of sleep.  I needed it to function.

Thinking about it now, these two addictions I acquired over the years were not the only ones.  I was addicted to the thrill of getting away with being high or drunk.  I loved drinking and driving and basically giving a big “f**k you” to all the cops I passed, saying in my mind, “Haha, you don’t know what I’m doing in this car, I’m drinking and wasted right now.”  Acting like an idiot and getting away with it gave me that push to do even more and more.

Now sober, I realize how foolish I was, but I was sick and had a disease that I could not fight without help.  Today, I use other things such as basketball, exercise, and other productive means to excite myself and fulfill my life.

 

By Matt B.

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Filed under: Featured, Recovery · Tags: ADD, addict, Addiction, addictions, ADHD, alcohol, Alcohol and Drugs, alcoholic, Attention deficit disorder, binge drinking college, blackout, blackouts, driving drunk, drug, drug addict, drunk, Drunk Driving, DUI, high, isolation, marijuana, mind-altering drug, mind-altering substance, parents, pot, pot head, sleep aid, smoked, smoking, smoking alone, smoking pot, smoking weed, sober, sobriety, Social Drinking, stoned, stoner, wasted, weed

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