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The Arrow Finds Its Target

Written by: Darren Haber
03/20/2008

Rogers speaks of not just empathy, but “accurate empathy”…meaning that the “in his/her shoes” understanding on the therapist’s part is genuine, and real – that you truly “get” the client, in a way that opens up the therapeutic space, without an agenda. Therein lies the rub. Most clients are pretty savvy; many if not most are the products of over- or under-involved parents, who likely had their own agenda, depending on whatever their own needs were. (Rare is the caregiver who loves unconditionally, without at least some narcissistic strings attached.) Just about all of my clients are quick to detect a therapeutic agenda, outside of trying to understand them in a way that gives them space to breathe without being controlled, judged, etc. Sometimes a client needs to have us “understand” their behavior in a caring way, without a rush to judgement (barring any extremes). Behavior itself is a kind of language – anyone who has worked with children would likely agree.

I think it’s the “without an agenda” part that’s difficult. As newer therapists (in my case, at least), it seems almost impossible to not have an agenda, even if it’s simply to help the client. But we don’t always know if or how we’re helping; what often seems useful to the therapist doesn’t translate for the client. Could it be that over half the battle is creating a safe space within which we can bear witness to a clients’ most private suffering, desires and hopes? Of course, this may not "feel" like enough for the new-ish therapist (if he/she happens to be as neurotic as yours truly) who may harbor hope for assurances – which in itself can affect the therapy if it is not held in check. (Which again points to the importance of good supervision!) Without that balance, we may start to “expect” results or improvement from our client before they’re truly ready, or in a more dramatic fashion than is appropriate, or even in a way that invalidates the clients'' experience (if it is not "enough")...in a way that can damage the therapy. Clinician beware!

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Re: The arrow finds its target

Darren,

It is funny that you wrote something that I have thought of recently. I often forget that still active addicts or newly sober alcoholics can be incredibly perceptive of therapeutic intentions. You reminding me of trying to "not have an agenda" is very helpful.
By on   03/21/2008
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