Growing up I was never the happiest kid. I’d turn to my dad and say, “What’s wrong with those people? Why are they so happy and perfect?” My early bitterness continued into High School, where my resentments reached a whole-nother-level. I’d watch my older step sister lounge on the beach with her perfect little abs and perfect little boyfriend. I’d say to myself, “She’s so obnoxious. No one can actually be that happy.” My ability to have a resentment towards anyone within seconds of meeting them was incredible. I was truly a machine.
My first few months of being sober and living in a treatment facility taught me that I could be one of those genuinely happy people (barf). I became happy with myself and happy with others. However, recently, my machine is back in operation. Yesterday, I revisited my fourth step to add some current resentments. My new resentments consisted of AA meetings, for singing happy birthday, and Kobe Bryant, for wining again(being a Boston fan in LA is not an ideal situation). My new favorite resentment is for the leader at a meeting I was at earlier in the week. I had my hand up since the beginning of the meeting to share and she continued to call on people who had just raised their hands. My resentments know no bounds. I am a little frightened that they have crept into my recovery world. Some nights I am too bitter to pray so I say, ” I really don’t want to *&%^ing pray right now because I’m so mad at the world.” And that’s it. I don’t know if it does anything. Hopefully the longer I do that the sooner I will find some sort of peace again. Being filled with resentments is a great way to die but not a fulfilling way to live.