Growing up in Recovery
I think of myself as growing up in recovery. I actually mean this literally. I was 19 (1997) when I first become introduced to AA and 12 steps programs. Growing up in NYC I just never knew anyone who was in recovery, nor their parents, or any other group of people. This is not to say I did not realize that I and close friends had deeply rooted emotional and substance abuse problems. It was just that the community – mostly consisting of both high school and Hebrew school – had a certain luster that it kept polished at all times. All the adults I knew were first and foremost concerned with what others may say & think.
Of course there was health class: “just say no to drugs”, afterschool specials, and demonstrations on how to use a condom / HIV education. What I am very clear about both then and now is that no one ever discussed food, sex, stealing, spending, nor even trying to define “addiction”. There were never any meaningful solutions offered as to how or why to stop self destructive behavior.
I learned early on that alcohol was not a drug that agreed with me well. In fact, I have a totally clear memory of being about 14 standing in the room I grew up on a weekend night. At that moment I somehow cognitively put together that I had just come out of a black out and remember my surprised that I had a knife in my hands contemplating slitting my wrists. I stopped, and clearly stated to myself: “Alcohol is not a good drug doe me. I need to use something else”. This statement is not much in itself except that it stuck with me all these years and demonstrated a level of consciousness that I was making a choice again and again about what I did to myself and for myself. From that day I focused my efforts and concentrated on what I recognized as more mind and body altering substances: food and drugs.
Food addiction has been the constant throughout my life. The “flavor” of the eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia, and overeating) is inextricably tied to what kind of substances I use and obsessive behaviors I engaged in. Although there were times when one symptom of my addiction was treated it always happened that another one reared its ugly head. The question I have been face with again and again (and continue to become acquainted with) is: “am I willing to deal?”
This brings the notion of willingness to the fore front of the conversation once again. It can be a favorite in beginner meetings. But, as time goes on and recovery becomes more and more the norm it is fascinating to see this notion of willingness show up in other areas of practice. Especially as I try so hard to establish a successful career, put roots down, and start a family my attention keeps being drawn back to my level of willingness to grow, accept, and change as compared to others around me.
I believe willingness is a necessary component of me living my life. I can be an extremist and feel there is no other way. The problem is I often feel like an outsider and am going against the tide in respect to “earth people” and professional / public life outside of the 12 step world.
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