Love or Lack Thereof in Early Recovery
I have 114 days in Recovery again, and it’s the first time that I am trying to stay away from romantic relationships. The longest I’ve ever stayed sober was five months and I had a boyfriend the whole time. We met in treatment, of course, and were completely enmeshed. I see now that I completely neglected to build a foundation for my program and made my boyfriend my Higher Power. I had heard all the warnings but I had to do the research and experience the relationship for myself. Because I had no relationship with a real Higher Power, I ended up drinking again at the five month mark.
The relationship was doomed anyway, because he had two kids from previous marriages. I’m not really a kids person and hated that he was my number one and I would never be his number one. He had a lot of baggage.
This time around I have made a rule for myself that I am not dating anyone seriously until I have six months, at which point I am going to reassess. I have been out on a few “friendly” dates. Truth be told, I am totally in love with a guy in my home group whose anonymity I will protect and call “J.”
J and I met almost a year ago when I had been brought to my knees again by alcohol and a toxic relationship that had just ended. My quasi-boyfriend at the time was an alcoholic, sex and love addict who I caught hanging out with some skanky chick. The next day when I casually asked him how his night went, he said, “I had sex with that girl.” Lovely. So, I realized yet again that my own alcoholism was obstructing my judgment in the guy department. He then asked me if I was going to break up with him! I decided not to talk to him again and to go back to AA for the millionth time.
I found an early morning meeting everyday near my house and that is where I met J. I didn’t think much of him at first. I mean, I noticed he was great-looking, but he was so HAPPY that it was annoying. About three weeks later, IT hit me like a daggar! I was sitting across from J, and it was like I sobered up in that very moment and noticed that he was the most amazing, gorgeous human being I had ever laid eyes on. I don’t know if it was my alcoholism just looking for something else to obsess on, or if my head had finally cleared up enough to remember him from a past life, but I haven’t been able to shake the feeling since.
After I got thirty days again, my alcoholISM was nagging at me and I knew I didn’t want to drink, so what did I do? I went back to the ex who had treated me so badly, and tried to rekindle things. He proceeded to reject me saying that he already had a new girlfriend. That was enough to send me back out, to New Orleans for a week, no less. I swore I would come back to my homegroup when I got back to Los Angeles. I was out for five months…
Needless to say, it was awful and depressing. J proceeded to get my number from someone in program and called me a few times while I was out. I thought it was really sweet. I came back in this past December and J told me he was in a relationship that was on the rocks.
We always talked and flirted at meetings. One day I told him I didn’t want to hear about his relationship problems anymore because I had a huge crush on him and had for a long time. I asked if the feelings were just one-sided and he said no. He had the same feelings but could not act on them right now. He was in a failing relationship and I was a newcomer. A week later, he told me that he and his girlfriend broke up.
So, we decided to just be friends and have hung out a few times outside of meetings. The problem is that there is such a strong attraction that it is so hard to think of him as just a friend. We haven’t even kissed, though. I keep telling myself that it is harmless, but when I go more than a few days without seeing or talking to him I do miss him. Another problem is that J has a young child from a previous relationship and the Mom has taken the son out of state. J is involved in a messy battle with her and it’s basically a nightmare. Baggage, all over again!
I’ve started seeing a new therapist who specializes in recovery from addiction, including sex and love addiction. She says she wants me to pretend like my next 90 days is really my first. She wants me to be just as careful with myself and vigilant with my recovery as I was in my first 90 days. She says she wants me not to see J outside of meetings. I really don’t want to draw a boundary that I can’t keep. I have told him once before right after he and his girlfriend split that I didn’t think we should hang out outside of meetings. Then I couldn’t stick to it. I’d rather it just take care of itself and maybe he’ll just stop calling…it sort of just ebbs and flows between us. I don’t want to have to make a big declaration of what we can and can’t do when we are just friends.
I don’t want to make a big deal out of this, but in the past guys gone wrong have cost me my recovery. It’s just so hard to give up EVERYTHING! I know I don’t have to give up relationships with men forever, but isn’t a girl allowed to flirt?!?!?
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Filed under: Love and Relationships
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