Friends… Too Friendly?
Are men and women able to be friends without ever having false intentions? This question, inspired by an interesting dialogue that took place within a group I run, is the base of my first blog for this website. Inevitably, it was posed by a guy who wanted more than just a friendship from a girl. Shocking, isn’t it? I’d bet you’ve never found yourself in a situation like this… Anyway, she was dumbfounded – how he could misinterpret her feelings? That, again, never happens. But what really got her was the fact that he couldn’t respect her boundaries and the reasons behind it. I don’t know about you, but I’ve definitely found it difficult to be friends of the opposite sex, especially those I have found attractive. I have either wanted to date them, sleep with them, or even worse – gasp – marry them! This attraction seems to be the core incentive of male/female relationships. Don’t you agree? Generally speaking, there is always one side of the relationship that wants more, at one point or another. Sometimes this attraction is known before the relationship starts, sometimes well into it. Regardless of when this is known, there are benefits that can be had by acting as if and entering ‘the friend zone’. We’ve all been there… In this space, one doesn’t have to endure feelings of rejection, abandonment, not feeling good/worthy enough, and still get the benefit of having their needs met – albeit in a covert manner. The friendship offers the opportunity to build trust, comfort, and connection without awkwardness and diminishes the level of vulnerability…how great does that sound.
However, it is my personal opinion, and that of my group, that these types of ‘friendships’ are not true to the term. We see them as falsehoods, commencing with dishonesty and manipulation, all in an effort to get what the one wants. There becomes a certain level of selfishness from both parties; both are using the friendship to maximize their own personal needs. How can the innocent party be selfish in this example, you ask? Freud 101. The unconscious mind can make us do some crazy things – like engaging in a friendship that may not be healthy for the feelings that can result. One can gain a sense of worth and a feeling of validation for these types of relationships that may not be easily accessible elsewhere. There is that age old adage – ‘Get to have your cake and eat it too’. You and I know it is supposed to begin with ‘you can’t have’, but… It’s that pseudo-emotional and financial benefits of a relationship, without any of the drama and chaos. Who wants all that stuff?? Furthermore, they get the benefits/security and still are able to seek the person that they truly desire (assuming that they do not want to be with the pursuer) without the guilt of ‘cheating’. I guess the reason behind bringing this topic to the site is that I have yet to meet a single person who has not struggled with having a strictly platonic (no interest either way) friendship.
Here’s one from my personal experience – a good friend of mine, for over 10 years, spoke incessantly about marrying me, despite my forthrightness regarding my attraction (or lack thereof). No, I wasn’t leading him on. No mixed signals. Nada. About 2 years ago our relationship expired due to the realization that neither one of us were being a true or good friend because of this one way attraction. It was a sad and painful loss, but I guess, again with the old adage’s – ‘if you truly love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back they were never yours to begin with. If they do, they are yours forever.’ Question time – Do you agree with that adage? What has been your experience regarding your friendships? How do you set boundaries? How do you create a context of safety and honesty? I leave it to you bloggers to share your opinion and experience. M. Graiwer
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Filed under: Love and Relationships
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