Taking it to the next level…

When I was nearing my 5th sober birthday, the month’s prior, I found myself feeling crazier and more unstable than I ever had before. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. My “program” has been consistent since I first got sober, I was steadfast about speaking with my sponsor, and I was working with others. It didn’t make sense to me. If I was doing what I was told, why did I feel like I was in such distress?

Fortunately, I have a group of people around me who can sometimes see my circumstances from the outside better than I can from the inside. The one thing of which I was certain was that I could not stand the emotional turmoil anymore. I refused to live in a dull state of misery and was willing to do whatever I needed to, to alleviate the tension I was feeling.

I started talking to a therapist, who I have known for a long time. He suggested that even though I had been sober for a while, there were still areas of my life, which were unmanageable. For example, I had reengaged with an ex girlfriend, and even though it was very brief, my head started spinning and I was uncomfortable in my own skin. The racing thoughts and pit in my stomach were clear signs to me that something wasn’t right. There were other things in my life that were also contributing to my general feelings of dissatisfaction and sadness. I had stopped exercising and was not paying much attention to the food I was eating.

The gist of it is, I am no longer at the point in my life where I am willing to be unhappy. In order to change how I feel, I have to change what I do. I know the way my life looked when I was involved with my ex, that’s why she is an ex. I know how I feel when I don’t workout and eat whatever I want. To get something different, I have to DO something different. So, much like I did when I was newly sober, I took direction in the areas of my life that felt unmanageable, and I started to feel better.

I don’t know when my tolerance for discomfort and emotional turmoil was reduced. I can’t pinpoint when it happened, I only know that I am glad it did. I think, as I stay sober longer and become spiritually and emotionally healthier, my desire for a remarkable quality of life becomes greater. It is important for me to live well, and be happy with the life I have helped to create for myself. For me, staying sober is no longer enough, I want more, I want serenity, joy and happiness, and I know I can have all of those things as long as I take action to make them happen.

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