We all know those guys who treat the rooms of AA like a bar. They schmooze with the new comers much like they used to get chummy with the really drunk girls. In both cases the girls are just as vulnerable. One quote I found particularly funny was, “The odds are good, but the goods are odd”. Sure it might be easier to pick up a girl at a meeting rather than out in every day life but chances are that girl is going to have an onslaught of issues. I’ve heard plenty of females share their experience, strength, and hope and they often end up making my story look like a fairytale. So why not date a normal girl? A “normie” who you can take home to mom and dad. Someone who is mentally stable and hasn’t attempted suicide or had sex for drugs. Sounds dreamy right? Wrong. Here are few issues I have encountered while trying to date a normie.
- The first issue is obvious. Most normies drink and some may use drugs as well. Even if they are mindful about your recovery, their friends wont be. I am 25 years old so this is especially apparent. Now I don’t mind being around alcohol in social situations. I can handle that. I do know that eventually that temptation, if frequent enough, will begin to weigh on me. What I can’t handle is when someone insists on having a glass of wine at dinner EVERY night or when immature girls fresh out of college still think its socially acceptable to get blacked out and urinate in the street (assuming you agree with me that it was socially acceptable when actually in college). We aren’t at the frat house anymore, sorry Chelsea Handler. What it really comes down to is why risk your sobriety when dating when you have the choice to date someone who is spiritual and sober just like you.
- The truth is everybody has issues, but at least people in AA are dealing with them. We learn to deal with our problems and defects of character and grow where as normies often medicate or stuff emotions, not knowing how to properly deal with them. I have enough issues of my own so I definitely don’t want some girl I just started dating trying to dump all her problems on me. I have only dated a couple normies since getting sober and I find it hard to connect with them when this happens. When they start talking about something that is bothering them I find myself telling them to pray about it or meditate or even take a personal inventory. The responses have definitely varied but most of the time they just look at me like I’m crazy.
- Another issue I have encountered about dating normies is dealing with integrating them into my sober community. A sober community is a tight nit group of people who feel comfortable sharing freely with one another because we all share similar experiences and we respect the anonymity of the program. Now most normies I have dated have been willing to check out a meeting or two with me but when they find out what a huge part of my life it is they get frusterated. They don’t understand that I have to put my recovery first, and them second. Also, there seems to stem some jealousy. Of course when I bring a girl to a meeting she doesn’t comment on the amazing speaker, but chooses to comment on the other girls at the meeting. We like to give hugs in AA and we like to have a good time so normies who are new often don’t understand the bonds that we form and feel like an outsider.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not totally against dating normies. I think that it is possible to have a wonderful relationship as long as you are both on the same page. I have just found it a bit risky in my personal experience and I would have you aware of its potential pitfalls.