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Why I Still Love Drugs, But Love Recovery Even More

 

I love drugs.  I didn’t get into the rooms of recovery because I hated drugs.  I got sober for quite the opposite reason: I actually loved them way too much to the point where they ruled (and ruined) everything.  I always find it interesting when I encounter someone in the rooms that has an almost hypocritical disdain for drugs and alcohol, like some sort of newfound AA born-again piety.  You don’t have to hate drugs in order to stop doing drugs.  Really, simply acknowledging that what once worked so well for us has stopped working, and is never going to work the same again, is the only view needed for sobriety.  I loved what drugs did for me, but hated what they ended up doing to me.

If I could do drugs and also have a successful, beautiful life, I would.  That would be the epitome of having my cake and eating it too.  Yet, with my several attempts at this foolish cake-fest, I have been shown that I cannot have a beautiful life and also do drugs.  For me, the two are incompatible.  I have to choose one or the other.  Some people can have both, and all I can say to that is good for them!  They didn’t get the short stick in life, and that’s great.  Yet, I finally realized that drugs and alcohol only made my life unmanageable, time after time, despite how much I wanted them to work for me like they seemed to work for others.  I had to accept the reality of my life that drugs and alcohol stopped working long ago, and my experience with them has been a downward slope for me ever since.

If I could choose, I would love to occasionally go party at a rave and take ecstasy, or have a once-in-a-blue-moon cocaine-fueled night.  I’d love to spend an occasional lazy Sunday lounging with Mary Jane, or a carefree boisterous evening with a six pack… but I can’t.  If I fool myself into thinking I could ever be like other people who can occasionally get intoxicated, I would be fooling myself of the worst kind of lie, and would surely find disaster waiting for me at the other end of any decision spurring from such deceit.  I can no longer use drugs or alcohol in any amount, or in any form without terrible consequences.  That’s just the way it is.

Outside of my recovery, I have no opinion on what others do.  It’s just none of my business.  I don’t look down on anyone who uses, or have any judgment for them, even though for my own protection and continued sobriety, I generally surround myself with other sober people.  I only have my personal experience with drugs, and since drugs stopped working for me, and instead starting working against me, I personally choose to not do drugs or be around them anymore.  I’m thankful that this is a personal decision that I chose for myself, and I will allow others the same freedom I was granted in deciding what they want to do for themselves.  Along these lines, I don’t go around promoting sobriety to others, but if someone is attracted to something about my sober life, and wants to know how I managed to establish this new way of living, I will share with them my experience, and provide any help I can if they ask for my help in getting sober too.

Sure, there are those dreaded times when we find it necessary to intervene on the using or drinking of our loved ones, but generally speaking, my motto in sobriety is just to live and let live, and that works just fine for me.

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Melanie is a 27-year old Southern California native who studied at Pepperdine University. Loving to travel and experience new places and cultures, she spent two years living in the Southern states of Texas and Tennessee before returning to Los Angeles where she began working in the legal industry writing content and managing communication to class members of class action lawsuits. She now is focused on her continued sobriety, and her motto in life is to never take herself too seriously. She is often described by others as an "old soul." She loves music, photography, and makeup artistry and likes to entertain herself with astrology and numerology. She is a Sagittarius and a number 9, and shares her birthday with her beloved late grandmother and her favorite author, C.S. Lewis.

Filed under: Alcohol and Drugs, Recovery, Substance Abuse · Tags: AA, drugs, Recovery, sobriety