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Hopefully the Last Goodbye


Heroin and Syringe far the worst thing I have ever experienced in my whole 19 years of living! I was using heroin from the age of 16-18. The drug made me somebody I was not. Detoxing was never an option for me. I was scared and worried to go through the pain. But in September of 2011, my life became a living hell. I realized that I needed to go to treatment because of all the loved ones I have hurt and lost. September 29th 2011, I checked myself into a wilderness program to detox. I had to sleep in a sleeping bag inside a tent, on the hard rocks and dirt. The first night of being in the wilderness program was not the hardest because I got high before I got onto the plane. The first morning of being in the wilderness was when it started getting hard for me. Having to wake up at 7:45 am and packing up my sleeping bag within 8 minutes seemed to be the hardest thing to do. My whole body was aching; it felt as if somebody was stabbing me continuously in the stomach. My bones felt like they were going to collapse, and I felt as if I couldn’t do anything. One time after I had gotten up after sitting down for a long period of time, I walked over to fill up my water bottle and I fell on the ground and hit my head on a rock. I do not remember falling, but I do remember waking up and so confused. I was dehydrated from not having enough water in my body, and this time, it was about 80 degrees, and I was sitting around the fire circle with my jacket and beanie on freezing my butt off. Shivering, sweating, my nose would not stop running. I was having difficulty breathing.  I was around a whole bunch of loud obnoxious people I did not know.

Now that I am writing this, it all seems like a dream. It doesn’t seem real. That same day, I had a tough time breathing due to the withdrawals. I felt like I was going to die. At that point, along with the pain I was going through, I was wishing I could die so I would not have to feel my bones giving out, the worst migraines, and uncontrollable bowels. My body was constantly shaking, and not being able to get up off the ground was too much for me. I began to lay down in the dirt and rocks, not giving a crap about anything. Being loaded all the time, sleeping was never a problem. Now that I was trying to get off heroin, it seemed like falling asleep, and staying asleep was a mission impossible. I was unable to fall asleep for the first two weeks – if I did fall asleep, I would wake up very shortly and not get much sleep at all. Waking up in the middle of the night, detoxing was pure hell – not having things to do besides think, and feel your body ache and your stomach feel like it was rupturing. Emotional withdrawals started to show up.  All I would think about was how bad I felt about the pain and anger I have caused in my family, and around my loved ones. The only thing I would do is cry – I could not stop crying. Wanting to see my family, giving anything in the world to talk to my parents and tell them how sorry I was for becoming this person. All I wanted was a phone call to tell them I loved them, and how much they impacted my life. However, I was unable to call them. Sitting around the fire circle, crying literally all day about how much I miss my family, and how bad I felt. At this time I was still physically hurting.

The emotional and physical withdrawals of heroin were the worst thing I had ever experienced. The main thing I can remember is sitting on a tree stump by the camp fire, crying out all the tears I had in me, missing my family, and full of guilt and shame because of what I had done, and telling myself, if I never used heroin and did everything that came with my addiction, I would not be in this position. This is when self sabotage came into play. Everything was my fault. I am nothing but a useless piece of crap. I never did anything right, I hurt everyone around me and didn’t do anything for anyone else except me. Sleepless nights, laying down on the dirt, shaking, sweating, and aching, all I did was think about how bad of a person I was and I shouldn’t be alive right now. Now here I am 8 Months clean, and I feel that the sky is the limit for me. I never give up on anything, life is great. I finally found my spot in life. I know that I belong here. It seems as if it will never end and the pain will never go away. But it does.

By: Frankie D.

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