When I share about how I lost my nursing license I almost don’t know where to begin. Thinking about how far I’ve come since, I suddenly find the words. I won’t tell my whole story…I’ll save that for another entry.   This September will mark the end of five years of state regulated probation of my license to practice nursing. Oh-What a five years it has been. In 1998 I was stealing opiates from the drug dispensing machine (yes...they exist) at the hospital. Believe it or not-this went on for years undiscovered. I was caught and reported to the state for diversion of narcotics and my license was put on probation.   While on probation I found another job and although I never wanted to do IV dilaudid again-I was still using cocaine and alcohol. The only problem…random urine screens.            After about two years and two bouts with kidney failure I tested positive several times. My license was suspended in 2001 and after three treatments and a long journey around Minnesota-I got clean. I thankfully recognized that I could not be a nurse until I built a life in recovery and I set out to do that. When I was using, I felt I was a piece of *%*# except when I was helping people as a nurse. In recovery, I have become someone I can be proud of for who I am as opposed to what I do.  In 2003 my license was restored with heavy restrictions and 8 to 12 quarterly random urine screens.  I thoroughly enjoy working as a RN again and contributing to the profession I had once lost. I now have over six and a half years clean and I can finally stop peeing in a cup, reporting to the state quarterly and asking for permission to go on vacation. Yeah!