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First Alien Life Forms Land on Earth to Join Alcoholics Anonymous

 

Yet another Earth-shattering breakthrough today in Southern California Alcoholics Anonymous, where for the very first time, interstellar life forms from the distant planet Intoxicus 6 have bravely traveled across the galaxy to join the ranks of A.A. as newcomers.

A special welcoming committee will be held today at the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica, California, consisting of major world leaders from all over the globe, including U.S. President Barack Obama and U.K. Prime Minister Dave Cameron.

“It’s universally imperative to all species, human and alien alike, to gather under the banner Bill W. proudly. It’s no surprise to me that the recovery process is what finally united aliens and humans together in harmony,” stated famous scientist and humanitarian, Dr. Ivo Robotnik.

The aliens, who communicate via a type of telepathy issued through high frequency vibrations created in their nostrils, have expressed to us their many concerns about our suffering planet. They have created a list of conditions for us to fulfill if we wish for them to share with us their many secrets about the cosmos from least to greatest:

1. A thorough and formal education of all human children between the ages of 4 and 12 of Hyrulian Lore (the official religion of the alien species).

2. The construction and maintenance of Hipster concentration camp facilities where all Hipsters are to be reconditioned to understand that listening to B-rate music in fact does not make them cool, so as to better integrate their social maladaptive behavior into normal society.

3. An official ban of all Hot Topic merchandise to prevent the further degradation of the typical emotionally-disturbed American teenager.

4. The prohibition and elimination of the phrase “YOLO” from every language and culture on Earth.

5. An establishment titled “The Peons of Interstellar Nations for Great Altruism Society” or for short P.I.N.G.A.S. This establishment will be created to facilitate the common alliance between aliens and humans to further a lasting and prosperous relationship.

We await, in great numbers, civilization’s leaders to implement the aliens’ great wisdom. We look forward in hopes that all those suffering from addiction can become whole once again through the power of the 12 step program. Let us amass together as a demonstration of humanity’s goodwill and peace-loving spirit in the 3rd Street Promenade to show the aliens that we appreciate their humble attitudes toward our culture. We have made so many mistakes in the past that we cannot undo. But through the virtues we have all learned in Alcoholics Anonymous we can overcome any obstacle.

The resilience of alien and human life is immeasurable, and in time we may be able to achieve atonement for our wrongs, and move forward into a beautiful future, free from hipsters, and of course free from addiction.

 

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Filed under: Addiction, Recovery, Substance Abuse · Tags: 12-step, 3rd Street Promenade, AA, Alcoholics Anonymous, aliens, April 1st, April Fool's Day, Barack Obama, David Cameron, Southern California Alcoholics Anonymous

  • Chanel Garcia

    I agree with the aliens

  • Brandt

    “The Peons of Interstellar Nations for Great Altruism Society” or for short P.I.N.G.A.S. Bahahahahaha I laughed so hard!

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