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Do You Ever Stop Being an Addict or Alcoholic?

 

Do you ever stop being an AddictDo you ever stop becoming an addict or alcoholic?  I have had many conversations with fellow alcoholics about this topic and in my opinion once someone has become addicted to something the disease of addiction never leaves the mind.  It will always be there, until the day you die.

Since I was a little kid I believe that addiction has run through my blood.  The first thing I remember being addicted to was those “claw” games, the ones where you pay a quarter or two into the machine, maneuver the claw into shape, drop it, and hopefully it grabs onto a prize and you win it.  Since the day I first laid my eyes on one of those machines I was hooked.  I was honestly addicted to those machines.  I had over five-hundred stuffed animals in my house from the “claw” machines.

Now I don’t play them often but I do dabble sometimes in my past addiction, getting that same thrill and “high” as I used to from it.  My addiction goes so far back that when I step into an arcade, chills run through my body, similar to the bad experiences I had at the money pit.  The addiction never left me.  I never stopped becoming a claw machine addict.  It still runs through my veins.

My drug of choice is alcohol and, even though I live a strong program, I still think about consuming the drink at least a couple of times a day.  Without constant work on myself I will go out and drink.  Those obsessions will never leave me or my ongoing, always-thinking-and-rationalizing brain.  All I can do is work a program and stay connected to A.A as much as possible.

I am adopted and I believe my genes are filled with addiction and alcoholism, making me even more susceptible to drugs and alcohol.  From what I have been told, my biological parents were from West Virginia, a state where a lot of drinking occurs and—I’ll put a word out there that might offend some—“hicks” that like to drink.  I definitely have that gene in my body; alcoholism runs through my blood.

Everything I do I do it to the fullest extent, like the claw machine I mentioned above.  There have been so many instances where I get hooked on something and cannot stop doing it until I am satisfied or get the thrill that I’m trying to seek from it.  My mind is always trying to fill itself with pleasure.  I will never be able to use or drink again because I am always looking for that next big “high,” the next big thing that will give me that rush and that pleasure.

I will never stop being an addict and alcoholic.  The disease of addiction runs through my blood.  There is no way to cure the disease of addiction; the best I can do is to keep the beast at bay and refrain from feeding it further.  It is a chronic illness of the mind that has to be dealt with daily with rigorous work so it doesn’t consume me.

 

By Matthew B.

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Filed under: Recovery · Tags: addict, Addiction, alcohol, Alcohol and Drugs, alcoholic, alcoholism, disease of addiction, drug addiction, sober, sobriety, substance abuse

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