I was at a meeting last night and I was talking to this hot little new girl. We were talking about what she uses and why she used after being clean for 10 months. She is a heroin addict just like me, but relapsed and now had three days clean. She said she didn’t know why she did it and I said well maybe it’s your addict mind telling you that you can use in moderation. She smiled and said your right, and I told her yes because I’ve been there before.
My mind sometimes after being clean for a while says that I can do it differently than the last time. That I can use without consequences and everything will be OK this time, but that’s just how the addict mind works. Well at least for a lot of addicts. This is why it is good to have a sponsor and the 12 step program for people, so they know how to deal with life and stay clean, take positive direction, and help others to do the same. Without these tools, the insanity of the first drink will take hold and we will drink or use.
For me, my head tells me I don’t give a fuck anymore about staying clean and that I am a selfish piece of shit, so whatever, but I do care about my family, money, and shit that I need. The truly insane part for me is that I know what’s going to happen to me if I take my first drug or drink before I do it, and I do it anyways. The truth is that I just don’t care. I know I will quickly catch a habit and be shooting heroin and meth every day. I know I will be stealing and robbing from people to get money for my dope and I know that even though it will end with getting staph infections and going to jail, I’ll like it because I’m fucked up in the head.
This girl I met at the meeting was trying to figure out why she took the first drink and I told her why, because she is an addict and her head is telling her it would be ok. Then I mentioned to her how bad it was kicking heroin and she agreed. Then I asked her if she wants to kick dope again and she said “I know your right”. So she was starting to see a little bit of the insanity of mind.
I went on to tell her that once I start I don’t like to stop for a long time, like till I pretty much have too. She said that she was the same way, and that she only stops when shit really hits the fan. I think she saw how the insanity of the first drug for her could fuck up her who deal and life, job, and everything. She seems to really care about the consequences and now that she sees how just taking one sip or hit can lead to another terrible run, she may think twice about the first drink or drug. For me knowing the outcome of the first drink has not helped, because like I said before, it’s my choice and I sometimes just don’t care about the outcome.
Maybe I helped the girl in some weird way. If I didn’t, at least I got her number and I could get laid in the future or something because she was hot! I really do hope I helped her, and that she keeps going to meetings so she can have a healthy life. If not she might end up like me, and come in and out, in and out of the program and sobriety for years.