Dating vs. Relationships: The Addiction

March 20th, 2008 | Add a Comment

The question frequently posed to me as to why it is that some people are perpetual daters and others are serial “relationship-ists (a new word coined by yours truly).” Usually, it comes down to gender-men are more likely to be serial daters, whereas women tend to constantly be in a relationship. I believe that it comes down to one common denominator…the addiction to fear. It is always about one running from that which they fear the most, don’t you think?

Let us look at the fear that drives the “relationship-ists”-the fear of being alone, which is about a fear of intimacy. The “relationship-ists” are constantly running from themselves and from ever having to feel any pain. Quite frequently they may be known as (hold your breath) “Co-Dependents.” I am sure that everyone who is reading this blog knows someone who has a troubled, needy, or dependent relationship with another person-is a caretaker. Next blog I will talk all about co-dependency because those relationships are quite challenging and fun.

The serial dater is frequently someone who fears intimacy. It is not about being vulnerable that they fear, but rather the pain and loss associated with the termination of the relationship. The serial dater often lives by the motto: “the grass is greener on the other side.” The serial dater is perpetually running from their fear of intimacy and loss. The loss of a relationship connects to betrayal of trust, a loss of safety, undependability, a feeling of not being enough, and desire to be invisible.

Which one are you: the serial dater or the perpetual “relationship-ist?” What are the fears that you are running from? I have found that the fear that governs both serial daters and perpetual “relationship-ists” are correlated with individuals who had been abandoned by a parent, experienced abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual), had someone close to them who died before their time, or had their heart broken by their first love. That is to say that we feel before we think. Those emotions, negative and positive, are reinforced, repeatedly, by life experiences. Different experiences stimulate the same neuroreceptors to produce the same emotions of fear, pain, loss, anxiety, and frustration.

How have your experiences shaped who you are today? We are hostages to chemical reactions; we are in a state of addiction!