Looking back into my past relationships, I can now see what they all had in common. That is that they were all fueled by my/our addictions.
The last relationship that I had was in no way good or healthy. While I was in the relationship I thought it was the best, most loving and healthiest relationship that there could ever be. Looking at it today I do not understand why I would ever date someone so bad for me. The only explanation I have is my addiction.
Addiction is just pure manipulation of the user. That one hit or drink we take we become controlled by it, as it manipulates us to do stuff we told ourselves we would never do. For me I had told myself I would never get into a relationship that was abusive or controlling. Yet I found myself in the most abusive and controlling relationship I have ever been in, or have ever seen.
My boyfriend was my higher power and I was my boyfriend’s higher power. We didn’t go anywhere without each other and didn’t get high or drunk without the other one. Even today I cannot really explain to you why I kept going back to him every time he beat me, but I did.
I thought I was in love with him, but today I can see that I was really in love with the drug and the drink. The only real reason I stayed with him I suppose was to have somebody give me the ok to use.
It is really crazy to go and look back at my past relationships and see how many where actually relationship and how many where dis-relationships. The only thing I had in relation with my ex’s was we both loved the pipe or the bottle.
In AA they suggest not getting into a relationship for the first year of your sobriety. The reason for this is simple; it is to have no distraction and to focus solely on you. I have some friends in the program that are dating in their first year of sobriety. They all have one thing in common, that is there in a fog. When I look at it there relationship sober is just like the relationships I had in my using days.
The common thread is they are distracted, they both act as each others higher power and they co-sign on each others bullshit. They want the comfort and security of a partner so they don’t have to feel vital emotions that the 12 step program brings up.
To really do the 12 step program right you have to do it the hard way. The way to do it right is simple to say but is so uncomfortable to do. That is to feel your feelings and to look at your own wrong doings. When you put a girl or a guy on your arm you’re distracted and allow yourself to have an excuse not to show your feelings.
If you want to only go through the steps once and to get the best out of it, I suggest allowing you to feel you! For me I want to do this onetime and I want to do it right, it is hard to feel feelings I didn’t know existed, but I can see myself growing and becoming a better person!
Just take a look at your motives. Are you truly in love with your partner or are they just a distraction?
Filed under: Addiction, Alcohol and Drugs, Love and Relationships, Recovery, Treatment · Tags: abusive, abusive relationship, Addiction, Alcohol Abuse, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, codependency, codependent relationship, controlling, drug addiction, manipulative relationship