Co-Dependency…The Alcoholic/Addict or the Partner?!?
Frequently, upon getting sober the source of one’s trials and tribulations are their relationships. The guilt, resentment, and need can be so overwhelming for the individual or their partner (albeit friend, spouse, lover, sponsor) that the discord and/or unfulfilled needs/expectations lend to relapse. Alcoholics and addicts are accustomed to relationships that are chaotic, dysfunctional, and one-sided. So, how do you know when you are in an unhealthy or co-dependent relationship? How do you know if you are the source of the dependency and/or problems?
There are a plethora of definitions regarding co-dependency and vagaries over coming up with a concise definition. The best-synthesized definition that I have heard is “self-sacrifice.” The idea that we as people, sacrifice our own well-being and happiness to ensure that another is happy, fulfilled, and well, and in turn we experience worth and happiness which is contingent on another’s emotions. The vagary that arises from this idea is that people place their sense of self to be controlled and dictated by uncontrollable and unreliable factors. Worse yet, is the guilt, shame, rage, manipulation, and deceit that accompanies when there is the threat to one’s sense of control. Boundaries! What boundaries? A successful co-dependent relationship requires an abandonment of boundaries and self-care in service of care of another, which often has one fooling themselves into believing that they are actually taking up self-care.
Does anyone know a co-dependent? I do! It is fascinating how they can make you believe that you are selfish, wrong, unkind, and thoughtless. It is a horrible feeling. However, I remember that I am not nor will be responsible for another’s feelings; that my truth may be different from their truth, and that is ok! Co-dependency supports and facilitates the cycle of addiction. Ostensibly, it appears as love and support, but underneath it is control, fear, denial, and delusion….the very essence of an active state of addiction. The untreated co-dependent, whether it is the alcoholic or their partner, is more prone to relapse. The question is often: how do you detach with love and support? How do you accept the premise that to love and care for yourself is a sign of health and recovery?
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