Blackouts

Throughout my abuse of drugs in my addiction I used many different substances, some of which when I ingested enough caused me to blackout.  The worst blackouts occurred when abusing multiple drugs at the same time, which was what I did daily.  Certain combinations caused me to blackout and do things I did not intend on doing before blacking out.

Pills and liquor mixed with a lot of marijuana was my favorite mix of drugs, and the worst blackouts happened while taking benzodiazepines like Xanax, Valium, and Ativan, or sleeping pills like Ambien, Lunesta, or even Seroquel while drinking.  For me, once I have one substance in my system, I begin taking as many other substances as I could; anything that was available was going to be ingested.

The blackouts happened many times and were not all the same.  Sometimes I would be sedated, not really doing anything active, but other times I would wake up somewhere not knowing where I was or what happened.  They all start with me feeling good, being high but not high enough, and me not wanting to be able to think, function, or even stand up straight.

Somewhere in the process of reaching this state I got lost and it felt as though I had gone to sleep, someone else took over my body, and I regained control half-a-day later when I woke up.  This happened even when I tried to avoid blacking out.  The only way I found to prevent this temporarily were stimulant drugs, which allowed me to stay in control for a few extra hours.

These blackouts ranged from mild circumstances or extreme ones resulting from actions I took while I was ‘unconscious.’  If I was lucky I would wake up in my own bed somehow or on a couch or bed at a friend’s house.  Sometimes I would wind up in bed with people I had no recollection of meeting.  These situations did not faze me in the slightest; I found them amusing.  My only regret was not remembering the fun I had during the blackout and having to have other people fill me in on the details afterwards.

Eventually they grew worse as my actions while still conscious grew worse.  I would wake up in a car or in another state or county.  I have woken up with things that weren’t mine and realized that I had stolen them, and there would be things that I hid in my room at home or in my dorm that I would discover weeks later.

Though I did break into houses and steal things normally, the items that were stolen and where I stole them from differed.  I would steal things that weren’t even valuable, along with things that I would be looking to obtain: I would have some iPods and a laptop, and then I would have shampoo, shaving cream, and a keychain, among other things.  And this would happen when I did not intend on stealing anything before blacking out.

I had a few instances where people knew I had stolen things from them, but there were no real repercussions even though while blacked out I had been less conspicuous and sometimes had outright taken things in front of people.  The worst happened about nine months after I had decided that I would no longer break into homes and steal and would instead only take things from houses at parties or when I was allowed into a house or building, such as a dorm, and was not illegally entering.

I had been hanging out with some people I had just met and already had multiple drugs influencing me; I had taken opiates and benzos and had been drinking.  The last thing I remember was taking a bunch of Ambien with some liquor.  When I came out of the blackout I was lying down in a cell, with no memory of how I got there.  I had to sit there for a few hours until an officer came to take me out of the cell, which I found out was the drunk tank in a police station, to get booked.  Only then did I learn what I was doing there: I had been found in passed out in someone’s trailer and been arrested for burglary of the trailer and a few other places, as well as thefts from cars in the same neighborhood.

As I already had a criminal record, I knew this was not a good situation to be in.  My bail was $50,000 and I knew I was not going to get out.  The worst part was that I could not remember anything from the night before.  But there I was, being transported to the county jail, and all I could think of was I need to stop being a thief.  There was no thought that I needed to stop my drug use; that couldn’t possibly be the problem.  The problem was how I was getting money for the drugs, and if I had a job it would be fine.  Months later I would realize that my drug habit drove me to such actions as drugs always run out and the more I have, the more I do.  There is never enough.

That last blackout was the reason I ended up in treatment and began my process of getting sober.  The realization that controlling my behavior while on drugs was impossible because eventually they take over, I lose control over myself, and I have to deal with the consequences when I come to.  Letting go of my addiction has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.  It has also been the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.