Love Addiction
The word “love” in the term love addiction can be misleading. Mature love is about knowing and being known by another person. It is about building intimacy through honesty and the sharing of oneself. Addiction however is the antidote to intimacy. Love addiction is not really about love. While a love addict may look as if they are pursuing love with a vengeance, they are actually running away from real intimacy. Love addiction is closer to codependency than love. It is rooted in an unhealthy dependency and poor self esteem. It stems from a fear of abandonment and a false sense of identify. It is about holding on to a relationship at all costs regardless of the other person’s needs. The sought after love interest in this addiction is used as an object to fill a very early primal unmet need. They are not viewed as a separate individual with their own unique needs, wants and desires.
Love addiction is often perceived to be not as serious as other process or behavioral addictions such as compulsive sexual addictions, eating disorders or pathological gambling. Perhaps that is because the word “love” makes it sound softer and less harmful than the other disorders. In reality it is extremely painful and can be very dangerous to both the addict and their partners. Sometimes suicides, murders, rapes and other crimes of passion have their roots in this addiction. Domestic violence can also have it’s foundation in love addiction. The gravity of love addiction should not be underestimated.
Love Addiction is just like any other compulsion except that it has to do with relationships. The cause of love addiction can include any of the following; attachment problems due to lack of nurturing or attention during childhood, isolation or detachment from primary care givers, emotional pain, early abandonment, unrecognized early needs, fears of rejection, pain, and lack of love. The unhealthy pattern of relating develops in the individual long before the romantic relationship is found.
Love Addiction can also be hidden well by the addict. The fact that society also romanticizes and glorifies intense passion blinded love in books, movies and songs makes it appear quite desirable. The addiction involves a pattern of multiple relationships that often begin with intense passion but end relatively quickly. Serial monogamy is a term for this pattern. This can be quite common and developmentally appropriate in adolescent relationships but can cause pain as it continues into adult development. Love addiction has the flavor of Dependent Personality Disorder traits such as seeing the relationship as necessary for survival and not feeling like it is possible to function outside of the relationship. Individuals with Dependent Personality Disorder will however transfer their dependence onto all relationships not just a romantic one. Love addiction is also marked by short dramatic relationships with intense highs and lows. This is not necessarily common in those with the personality disorder. Love addiction differs from sex addiction because in sex addiction emotional attachment is typically not a factor. The sex in a sexual addiction is impersonal while it tends to be idealized and laden with intense feelings in a love addiction. The sex addict is preoccupied with the sexual intercourse not the romance fantasy. Neither sex addicts nor love addicts have healthy intimate relationships.
Love Addiction – The Characteristics
The following are some of the characteristics of love addiction:
- Inability to trust in relationships
- Inner rage over lack of nurturing in childhood
- Depression
- High-risk behavior
- Other addictive or compulsive behaviors
- Constantly questions personal values and purpose of life
- Has a driving, desperate, frantic personality
- Denies problem
- Confuses wants as needs
- Serial Monogamy
- Confusion of sexual attraction with love “love at first sight”
- Intense need to control or please others
- Sense of worthlessness when not in a relationship
- Avoids rejection or abandonment at any cost
- Feels that relationship makes them “whole” or “complete”
- High drama confusing intensity for intimacy
- Uses relationship to feel high or avoid emotional pain
- Outer facade of “having it all together”
- Trades sex for “love”
- Perceives romantic relationship as basic human need like food and water
Unrealistic hopes, dreams and demands tend to shatter their relationships quickly and because of this pattern of disappointment, fear and dependency are constant emotions. As soon as possible after a breakup, the love addict will find another partner so they don’t have to tolerating being alone. Or the addict may obsess about the ended relationship to the point of stalking the person that left believing they can live only if they get them back. This pattern can lead to domestic violence.
Psychological imbalances and childhood attachment issues need professional counseling. Treatment and therapy for Love Addiction often includes trauma work. It is necessary to free the person who is addicted to love and participate in a healthy relationship.